re·birth

“Stick to the notion, stay in motion
Remember soon as you stand still
So will everything else, you know this
Make sure all your inner actions end with actions
If you stacking frontin and back in
Subtract if it isn’t adding”

– Sean Don, “Voices in My Head / Stick to the Plan”, I Decided (2017)

Photo by D.O.P.E. Visions Photography – @kaptian_92 

A few weeks ago, I realized that I was missing something essential to my being, and if I didn’t get it back, the Samarah as I once knew her would be dead and gone. The word rebirth flew to me in the form of a rather peculiar symbol..  a simple Google search for its meaning and .0002 seconds later, it not only influenced me to start this journey, but was in a sense the catalyst. I will share this imagery at a later date – deeper into the journey that is myself – but of course, you are all invited for the ride.

rēˈbərTH/

noun

1. a new or second birth 
2. a renewed existence, activity, or growth; renaissance or revival

You see.. I felt as if I was almost fading from my own existence in the sense that I had lost myself. I lost myself and my sight on all of the dreams that had once filled my head. I created less and I was uninspired more. Instead of seeing the years play out ahead of me and my name in lights as I had imagined so many times before.. I could barely see beyond the next few months.. then I couldn’t bare thinking about what tomorrow would bring. I would go through periods of being sick, unable to get out of bed, missing out on dance performances, events around campus, not being able to efficiently network myself as I had hoped for this year. Less shoots, less fun, and a lot more isolation. Worrying about college, writing, my career, my health, future – I was absolutely overwhelmed.

I needed a renewed existence.

A revival of the Me that I’ve been trying so hard to love and fight for.

Armed with Big Sean lyrics, about 40 orange post-it notes, YOGI Positive Energy tea, and the motivation to feel the air in my lungs again, I wrote countless notes to myself and placed them everywhere. On the mirrors, the walls, my computers, my windowsill, that bottle of water I keep by to water my plants. Anywhere my eyes may gaze, so that I was constantly taking in affirmations and positivity. This pushed me to start climbing out of the hole I had slipped and fell into.

I won’t lie to you.. it hurts like hell. These last few weeks have been great on me for reflection, but that also means letting go of all that I bottle up. Facing what I fear to see in myself. Realizing what I need to change about myself and my life in order to grow. Actively seeing my reflection in others to better understand myself. S/O to my Twins on that one =).

Here’s to personal growth and achievement!

 

Sending prayers and positive vibes into the world,

I bid you all farewell until next time.

Remember to love yoself.

– Marah